Often conflicts between partners are inevitable, however, the attitude of a person can save the relationship or lead to divorce. Science explains it. All couples have problems in their relationship, for more love and commitment that the couple has, at least some have discussed. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, explains that it is very normal.
However, the way in which one reacts to conflicts is decisive for a relationship to fail. Has it happened to you that your partner comes home, the first thing you do is claim something that you think was wrong? I think that most couples have been through this situation.
The psychologist explains that there are two types of attitudes, one that destroys a relationship and another that is only to strengthen the bonds and exchange of ideas. What do you do in the following situation? When your partner arrives and instead of greeting you in a friendly way; You reserve your frustration and begin to discuss, for any mistake he or she has made. Is your attitude?
* You start to claim, however, you listen carefully to the reason for their error and their behavior, then you realize that possibly he or she was right and ask for an apology.
* Adopt an attitude, thinking only of yourself, How can you do that! How many times do I have to repeat, that his behavior is wrong! He never listens and I am right!
The second option, is the contempt «the kiss of death» as explained by Dr. John Gottman, it is likely that a person to discuss shows contempt to his partner and that endangers the relationship. «Contempt is a mixture of anger and disgust, it is much more toxic than simple frustration or negativity, it implies seeing the couple below oneself, instead of seeing them as an equal».
Gottman and his colleague Robert Levenson, found that this behavior is so powerful, that it is accompanied by negative criticism and a defensive attitude that predicts divorces to 93%.
This figure, was thrown by a study that comes from 14 years of investigation, on the marriage and the divorce, where 79 couples who live in the Midwest of the United States, of which 21 couples got to divorce during the period of study . Only because of the negative behavior they suffered in their relationship.
A recent study of 373 newly married couples found that couples who shouted at each other, showed mutual contempt or simply began to disengage from conflict in the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce.
Why are couples who exhibit this behavior more likely to fail in their relationship? It is for a superiority complex.
The person who feels contempt and keeps frustration towards their partner, feels more intelligent, is likely to see their opinions as valid, and he or she, are not willing to try to put themselves in the shoes of their partner to achieve understanding and see the situation with another perspective.
Gottman says that this kind of attitude is like a resonance chamber, each person is a source of emotional vibrations. If a person is closed to the vibrations or emotions of their partner, he or she will be more interested in triggering their own feelings of disgust and superiority, these negative vibrations will resonate against each other, increasing a bad situation «until something breaks»
However, if you think you have lived an experience like this, do not be alarmed, even the relationship can be saved and strengthened. The important thing is to be aware of the attitudes that are made and the degree of affection that could harm the person you love. Changing negative to positive behaviors is the key to increasing the chances of staying longer and having a successful relationship.