Does silence really make your ex desperate? Let’s start first with this simple idea built into the breakup picture: silence makes your ex miss you. The Internet is full of stories of people using silence (a la the no contact rule) on their ex and that ex «misses them.»
But, the crazy psychology of going no contact so that your ex “misses you” and “contacts you” are two different things. In a survey where people who completed the no contact process were asked how often their ex reached out during the process.
64% of participants said they never heard from their ex. And yet, every single success story I’ve witnessed swears it was because of silence through the no contact rule.
How does your ex’s rejection make sense?
– Although you may be an avoidant person, your attachment “machinery” is still in effect, which makes you just as vulnerable to separation. Only when your mental energy is needed elsewhere and catches you off guard do your emotions and feelings emerge. And this is where it gets fun.
– Climb the walls of avoidant people through silence.
You see, while the average ex is an evasive person. The other part tends to have anxiety. This means that what your ex as an avoidant person wants is space (he wants to maintain independence from her). Meanwhile, you who have anxiety want peace of mind (or want to fix things).
YOU COULD READ: Tips for Rekindling a Relationship
And this interesting dynamic develops. The avoider pushes the anxious person away (naturally) and the anxious person tries to pull the avoider towards them, causing the avoidant person to stagnate in the sand (keeping their guard up).
– Only after the anxious person gives the avoidant space in the style of a no contact rule, can the avoidant person begin to direct more energies toward other projected people/things. Its walls become easier to climb and it is easier to get closer.
– There is no worse feeling than seeing someone you love so much reject you and enjoy it.
Your anxiety takes over and you go into “fix it mode” at the exact wrong moment, telling yourself that even though you understand the basics. Even if you know you need to give him space. Your situation is the exception to the rule, right?
Avoidant people are free to lust after their ex once that person is unavailable outside of the relationship and usually out of touch, so they are not affected by actual commitment and their deactivation systems are not affected. they activate.
So what you really need to do is NOT stay silent for X days and then start again. Rather, you should jump headlong into this idea of forgetting your ex if you want the “silence” to make him miss you.
Think about it logically, there are actually three core components that people point to as why silence should be the predominant strategy after a breakup.
You have the following:
– Fear of loss and scarcity: Which suggests that people value what is rare or what they fear losing. So, when communication stops, your ex might begin to perceive the relationship or person as more valuable, leading to fear of loss.
But what I have learned about “fear of loss” is that your ex should be afraid of losing you and if he sees you sitting there waiting for the “silence timer” to go off. It is more of the same.
Then of course you have the following:
– Contrast effect: If the relationship involved frequent and intense communication, the sudden change to silence can create a stark contrast. This abrupt change can make the lack of communication feel more pronounced, leading to feelings of despair.
YOU COULD READ: How to Rekindle a Relationship with Your Ex
Honestly, this goes back to the separation euphoria I was talking about. Remember how I said I can tell how successful someone will be with her ex based on how she reacts to her? Well, play directly with this contrast effect.
What you don’t want and shouldn’t do is lose discipline and blow up your ex’s phone. That not only makes it put up more walls but you don’t give it any type of contrast. Once again, it’s more of the same.
Then of course the following arises:
– Reflection and Idealization: Silence provides an opportunity for reflection. Sometimes this leads to idealizing the past relationship and focusing more on positive memories, which can increase the desire to reconnect. In my opinion, this is really the ball game.
We know that someone who avoids only allows themselves to miss you when they feel there is no chance of being with you again. That’s when you allow yourself to have this phase of separation euphoria. That’s when they start to remember you.
