Although sometimes it does not seem so, we are rational beings. And if sometimes it does not seem so, it is because when anger invades us, our mind becomes cloudy and perhaps what comes out through our mouths is not the best way to solve our relationship problems.
Perhaps we vent for a short period of time, but in the long run, we will end up causing serious damage to our coexistence. And it is not that we do not know how to treat our partner, but in those critical moments we lose what precisely should be more important, common sense.
We already know what the funny proverb says again: «do not argue with a fool, because first he will make you lower to his level and then he will hit you with his experience». Something similar can be applied to the world of couple relationships, in which we must avoid being dragged into the spiral in which the other person seems to have fallen.
Rather than counterattack in an ever stronger way, it may be smarter to rescue our partner from his own stupidity and help him keep his head cool. Or, if that is not possible, keep the following tips in mind the next time the issue is about to get out of hand.
Remember Ockham’s razor.
The English Franciscan friar Guillermo de Ockham illuminated what would be known later as the principle of parsimony, which goes to say that all things being equal, the simplest theory is more likely to be correct than the complex one.
Which comes to mind when we start building castles in the air and attributing unsuspected causes to our partner’s behavior. Probably the simplest explanation is the real one, and if you forgot to call you it is because you have really forgotten it, not because you were cited with your lover in a hotel on the outskirts of the city.
Why are you angry?
Try to answer that question and discard the first answer: in many cases surely what has angered you so much is not the object of the discussion that is being maintained, but another deeper reason or perhaps a very concrete problem that has not yet been solved .
In other cases, not even your partner will be to blame for your anger, but this may have been caused in another area (work, family) and it is she who is paying for the dishes.
Stop and let the other person explain
It is not only a matter of counting up to ten between exabrupto and exabrupto, but also in letting the other person explain himself and present his version of the facts before your accusations.
Perhaps this prevents an increase in tension to a point of no return and solve the problem without raising the tone or raise other issues. Our mind works faster than our tongue, and sometimes a simple conversation without raising our voices serves to turn shadows into light.
Check your arguments
Many people start arguing with a clear idea in their head about what they have to say, especially if they are the ones who start the confrontation. Since we have learned so well, perhaps it is convenient to review our argumentation before pronouncing it out loud and, in that way, to verify if what we suggest is true or if it is a mere stratagem to make our partner feel bad. If so, it may be preferable to swallow our words.
Do it at the right time
To properly discuss something that bothers us, you also have to know when to do it. The worst moment is, of course, when the tension is about to explode or in the midst of an interminable exchange of accusations, when the emotions make us air those annoying dirty rags that every couple has.
But perhaps it is not very appropriate to take advantage of the romantic good vibes to bring out that little problem that happened a month ago and that until then we had not dared to comment …
Do not ask what you can not give
The stability of a relationship should be forged in the balance more or less symmetrical between the two members: before accusing the other person may agree that we stop to think if we are willing to demand something like this from the other person or if it is preferable , for the sake of both, overlook small details that in our case have also been overlooked.
A discussion can not be won, only losing
What is the end of every couple’s argument? To exchange exabruptos until one of the two gives up and, convinced, asks for forgiveness to his partner and accepts that this one is absolutely right and nothing but the reason?
Or simply to make him understand that one of his behaviors has bothered us and that in the consecutive it is preferable that he think twice before doing something similar? Remember that many people have won arguments, but in return, they have lost their partners.
The feelings are not discussed
The judicial system may be fallible at times, but the history of the laws has provided the human being with a series of rational and useful tools to solve their conflicts.
For that reason, perhaps it is not such a bad idea to take some of their advice and apply it to our life as a couple, as it is to focus on the facts and not on the speculations. It is vital to remember that we may have some disagreement about future or past plans, but judging or anticipating their feelings will only make us make false assumptions.
Put yourself in the shoes of the other
Appealing to empathy with the other person is one of the most common tips every time an argument arises, but it is rarely strictly enforced.
This means that it would not be wrong to think how we would feel ourselves if our partner were to tell us what we have just reproached him for, if we are really fair in making such accusations and if it comes to mind. Because probably, the answer will be negative.